Prince Charming

Prynce Charming Joel Okuyo who featured with a white cutie named Sonya on East Africa TV’s Friday Night Live (18th April 2008) hosted by Ugandan presenter Ssebbo in Dar-es-Salaam, is a real movie buff. With (much more than) three movies on his portfolio (Two feature length films: ‘Battle of the Souls’about former devil worshipper Roger Mugisha directed by the tall Matt Bish who couldn’t believe I was around 60 kilos in weight; plus ‘From the Ashes of Hatred’, a Nollywood and UgaWood collaboration about a family which did not want their daughter to marry a Muganda; and a TV Documentary ‘Trouble in Paradise’ - about the Bwindi Impenetrable Forest Massacre. Lyhnnq-x acted as a rebel leader; by the time he went to the studio), his career is definitely taking off to the skies of international film. Having stayed with him during first year, first semester at Uganda Christian University’s affiliate hostel Bishop Kamanyire (since September 2003), I know how entertaining he naturally is. He was among my first real friends at UCU besides my Kenyan (Kikuyu-Luo) roommate Sidney Okumu (I left Kamanyire Hostel for St Michael Royale Hostel in Bugujju Village after May 2004). As tribemates, it was really easy to connect because of our ancestry but the love for music, almost similar taste for women and fantastic exploration of ideas strengthened our friendship. Some people say he talks too much but that is what makes people more interesting especially when they do it to thrill. Maybe one day he will be crowned the “King of Ugandan Cinema”.

AFTERMATH:
JOEL has won numerous international accolades in film including: Four time international award winning actor (2008), Best Supporting Actor (Balafon Film Festival, Italy 2009), Best Actor in Supporting Role Africa Movie Academy Awards, Nigeria 2010), Best performance by an Actor/actress (Uhuru Film Festival, Ubuntu Village, Colorado, USA), Best Actor (ZIFF) 2011.

Survival Football

Every civilization has found a way to pass time; At St. Mary’s College Kisubi (1997-2000), my classmates invented another. Arguably My Hottest Sport during school, ‘Survival Football’ (also known as “Bonna Bazanye” – Let everyone play) had no major guidelines. There were simply two teams - the West Side near SMACK Road and the East End. Changing sides and walking in or out of the game was allowed during the fast-paced match. As if that was not funny enough, one side was allowed to have as few as 13 players while the other over 22. Some final scores were as outrageous as 9 - 11. Everyone was a referee but the south side of the pitch had no throw-in line. If the ball crossed to the other two identical fields (where other classes were playing), it was the duty of some of the players to just chase it and kick it back. The Northern touchline near the teachers’ garden did not require neat restarts, one handed throw-ins were allowed. Otherwise the only exceptional rules were corner kicks, handballs plus maybe off-sides which were sometimes violated. Up to today, I still cannot understand how Ivan Mutebi (nicknamed Mutex) scored a hat-trick with only three touches, from neither penalties nor free kicks. His once-in-a-lifetime success was so unbelievable that no ‘survivor’ ever achieved it again.
‘Survival Football’ somehow bound our three streams with chords that could not be broken. While fundraising in 1999 for an unprecedented class jersey, students willingly contributed the minimum amount requested from each individual. We also rallied feverishly behind our boys‘The Block Owners’: Machuki, Lugemwa, Kitaka (3A); Haule [Steady Defender], Kiyinji [An amazing talent], Jacques (Not real name) (3B); Ddungu [My Personal Favourite, a true striking daredevil], Atuhura (3C); just to mention a few, who beat strong opposition including their seniors on their way to the finals of the Headmaster’s Cup which they lost unfairly to HSC (Higher School Certificate). A number of our classmates were regulars in the SMACK team and it was the first time Senior 3s almost won the annual inter-class tournament.
My childhood ambition (around 1992) was to become a soccer professional like the recently retired Brazilian ace Romario. However, due to injury worries and the nagging pressure to succeed in academics, I moderated my involvement in sport. Nevertheless at SMACK, ‘Survival Football’ loosened my inhibitions. I modeled my game for the West Side on Patrick Vieira’s majestic role for the Gunners and only managed a couple of goals in my final two years at SMACK. I had just fallen for Arsenal’s traditional ‘Retreating Defence’ technique in 1998 and therefore wanted to play like my heart. Overall, Communal Soccer at SMACK was so enticing that it brought together non-soccer fans, school team regulars, European Football enthusiasts and those not so talented but knew how to have fun. It was just a time to kick the ball around, show off any tricks you could summon and let off steam.


(Article published in Sunday Monitor [School Times] 11th May 2008, Page 20)

Here is the sequel to that “ballistic story”, Part 2 as Jimmo (Ocuku) called it… Nkosa was a solid player at the back; Tinyiro deputized as Ashley Cole, was a regular for West Side like me in the tough games and had the La Liga trophy (Block Owners League Cup) to show for his efforts (I was actually on the losing side, beaten 4-2 [We equalized twice only] while playing against his team that had the marauding Bushy (Katongole) as captain - It was a really Bad Mistake that I forgot to include him in the main article next to Ddungu - and Zagallo (Self appointed father of the league and coach). The following year I was bought by Zagallo’s team which included Kalinabiri old boy and maestro Lazarus Wazarahi but our games were stopped by the administration. We had become too ingenious for their own liking because the games involved money and trading players); Jimmo had fantastic ball control and other skills like angling the post and bar for a goal - unstoppable; Ogwal would not feature for long periods but always enjoyed the games; (Gerald) Okol was the genius who should have featured in the class team alongside his namesake also in the same stream C; Acanakwo said Part One of the article was a true representation of what happened and recommended that in future I ought to write about the “Idlers Arc” – Amazingly, he once knocked me down during the Block Owners League Cup; Yawe was like a Ghost on the brink of scoring every time we kicked the ball near Zone 14 in front of the goal area; Beehamya left SMACK early but even at Macos he displayed fantastic individual talent; Nabeta had the vigour of a charging goat; Mutuugu was short but lethal in halting air balls; Louis used his Basketball height and holding skills in goal like a pro - one day, my side tried hard to score past him, I also tried to chip him delicately, the ball went over his stretched arm, dipped but just hit the crossbar and returned to the goal area; every Block Owner has his own perspective...

[To be continued]

Block Owners (2024 Book)

I was admitted Number 31 by SMACK on Monday 3rd June 1997; Senior 1A was my designated class on the eastside of the campus. Older students carried my belongings to the dorm after dad dropped me in Mpigi. I wasn't bullied coz the mature Senior 6s protected us. However, after they left months later, we helplessly became prey and had to look out for each other against older SMACKists. That is where the unbreakable Block Owners solidarity was birthed...

In S1 after reading the World Book Encyclopedia, I wanted to become a firefighter. My dream careers during Primary School were footballer like Romario, trucker so that I could meet many women on the road or doctor because of several class friends with the same plan. On leaving SMACK, I turned to self-taught Art...

After one year at SMACK, I turned over a new leaf and stopped being irritable (easily agitated); felt like it might bring me angina (heart disease)...

On the eve of Independence Day 1997, the guy sitted next to me borrowed my English Dictionary. His desk had no padlock unlike mine, so he was robbed along with many other students that night. In the morning, everyone in the school was ordered to put their books on the ground outside each classroom so that those with complaints can search. I didn't see my dictionary but later found it on display for sale at Nasser Road in Kampala, several kilometers north. I just looked at it and laughed, then walked away coz I felt noone would believe me. In fact, I might have been beaten unless I alerted Police first...

Flu tormented me at SMACK every year but was happy to stay alive (I would sniff crushed eucalyptus leaves in my hands and eat green pep sweets for relief); Kerere with handkerchief all the time and Kakembo had permanent sinuses but probably healed later in life...

I didn't hate anyone at SMACK; I would get angry but never allowed my fury to grow into toxic negativity. Although we had beef with S4s during S2, I still forgave the guy who attacked me on behalf of his blackboard-mocked classmate one night after Night Prep. We were about five or six guys in class and the elders were three; I stood up and faced off with him until he relented...

Another guy in S4 ordered me to get sugar and soap for him; I lied that I didn't have. He then told me to ask my dormmates. So I walked back to my section, told the guys I was in a situation, walked back and lied again that my yearmates also do not have. He directed me to pick a hanger on the clothing line so that he can smack my cheeks, but I just grinned and walked out of the quadrangle without worrying that he would run out of his dorm and attack me from behind...

I spent Senior 1 singing in the chapel choir's alto voice with many dedicated rehearsals when Night Prep ended plus learnt musical notations, but after that I quit without apologies because I didn't want to pray to dead saints or Mary even though I respect her highly. Nevertheless, I did not leave the Wildlife (Planted a tree behind Kakooza House dormitories) nor German Club (We watched extra movies from the common Friday nightshows)...

Nicholas Mwanja was a gifted pianoman; never met anyone better after him...

My first headmaster at SMACK left the Brotherhood of Christian Instruction and later got married, halleluJAH! He was a tough guy but very protective of us from bullies and I never got in his bad books, so I missed him a bit when he was replaced. The 2nd headmaster was not bad but some students didn't fancy him much. He was said to be fond of one of the teachers; love is not a bad thing. He flogged me in Senior 4 for delaying in the quadrangle during Morning Prep (5:30 to 6:45am); two stickmarks remained on my cold bums for some time. Our class representatives asked the administration to allow us forfeit Morning Prep coz some people revised through Winter [Period after Night Prep which ends at 10pm until 5:30am wakeup bell]...

I had a bedwetting problem and since my mattress placed outside did not dry up in time sometimes due to water thrown on it while people bathed or if it fell in runoff water, I'd sleep on a blanket placed on my springbed. One Saturday in S2, a yearmate who was rumoured to be a homo (won't mention his name but he was expelled in our S4 while he peeped at a Senior 1 in the latrine) came to tell me that I can share his bed with him. He tried to grab my willy but I chased him away. That same year, about 20 students two years ahead were expelled for homosexuality. I've never had any desire to be gay though I have met suspected homos since Primary School in Jinja, during A-Level at Macos plus campus...

Storm nights proved to me the destructive power of heavy rain on a lake or sea; glasses would break. One day, hailstones covered the grass like snow...

Saturday morning cleaning was fun and many times, my Lourdel House won the contest. I was happy that my yearmate Ivan Earl Agaba's mother was in charge of our cluster; she handled us kindly like a good mama (not overbearingly harsh)...

Every Evening Prep from 6:30 to 7:15pm except weekends, one of the classes spent a corresponding day in the chapel eg Senior 1s on Monday up to Senior 5s and 6s on Friday. Sunday Mass at 9am was compulsory for all...

There were three shifts for meals: S1 and 6 first, 2 and 4 next (where we were clobbered at the exits during load shedding nights) plus 3 and 5 last...

Obsessions Music and Dance group came to perform but I didn't attend their show... I enjoyed Coca-Cola promos more; even won prizes... One of the new foreign Uganda Cranes coaches (probably German) jetted into the country and the first game he watched was at our pitch...

Playing basketball with the towering Shaq-like Wilbrod Oketcho was frightening; he would slam in our faces and made me quit. I last saw him at Sheraton Hotel Kampala. Hardluck that he was gunned down by thugs but the game runs in the family's blood; his cousin Flavia became arguably Uganda's greatest basketballer...

One Visitation Day, I walked to the main pitch and found Mr. John Katuramu with his daughters (my yearmate Job's sisters); they looked really beautiful as they played and jumped around. That's when I accepted that Princess Bagaya's Toro Kingdom is indeed blessed too (like Bateso, Ethiopians and Banyarwanda Cushites); it was before JK was arrested for the murder of King Oyo's father...

S3 was for being Timekeeper to honour a random request from my streammonitor Semaks though after being Headboy in P7, I had made a private vow never to become a prefect again. I was the last on the Prefects List and never policed anyone; all I did was ring the bell like a diligent slave and unpaid servant: I did it for GOD and my schoolmates...

I had to take my old red macintosh mat to school for my final two years at SMACK and end the shame of taking my mattress out to dry after bedwetting because the distance had increased. I'd pray to GOD to help me stop but instead wake up in a bigger pool of liquid. Why me, LORD? Mum told me not to drink a lot before nighttime plus wake up in the night to ease myself. That's where my 2am moments originated from but by 5am, I'd still wet my bed (shaking my head)...

After his S4 UCE German exam, one brownskinned dude in my Lourdel dorm kindly left me with his small black German Dictionary. The gesture was so sacrificial that after I finished mine the following year, I also left the same dictionary with my 2nd cousin two years behind me...

Some Champions League and Euro nights were really amazing; classmates betted with money (about 200 UGX) and the ones with the correct score recorded on the front blackboard shared the collected jackpot. For me, I only reported the news and drew goal graphics on the east blackboard. Nyanzi used the west blackboard... 

Brother Martin once amused us during the daily Morning Assembly (7:30 to 8am) when after Real Madrid won 2-3 at Old Trafford the preceding night, he said he "was there" and warned us to be careful about our future. I wondered how fast he flew from UK to Entebbe; anyway, we were also there via TV waves...

Simon Kasyate would read news for us infront of the assembly; when he eventually became a journalist despite studying Law at campus, I wasn't surprised. I enjoyed his Capital FM Desert Island Discs tenure...

SMACK jabber was a great and very lively dance; yearmate Mali had great moves...

I did not attend the S4 social but actively helped prepare the main hall for my classmates and their Saturday female visitors. Shamelessly, I sat in the dining hall alone to take breakfast; didn't care what other schoolmates would gossip while my classmates had fun because I had like 18 reasons why. I also drew a chart hanged on the rafts of the chapel roof for our farewell mass...

One night, a schoolmate who used to steal people's property and sell was chased through the school campus. The commotion was just hilarious coz we thought it was an outsider only to learn that it was a SMACKist...

Women of SMACK: There was a teacher who was very darkskinned but yearmates satirically nicknamed her "Snow White"; her English accent was also quite foreign. Another was called "Dairy" due to her big bust. Our Geography teacher was really tall while her colleague who taught the other two streams once showed up to dictate notes to us in a very provocatively pleasant attire while our own was absent. The Literature teacher was nicknamed Muthoni like a character in one of the books she taught us and married a soldier at our school chapel; I think I sang in the choir at her wedding. Mrs. Katimbo (aka Nabisene, wife to my namesake Edward) was the one who taught me English longest in my entire school time (4 years); my favourite lesson was Summarisation in S4. One of the secretaries was a stunner; librarian too. The canteen ladies were kind; wish I had memorised the name of the taller one. I'll never forget the nurse (Musimenta's mum) who gave me orange Magnesium tablets while I experienced a nefarious stomachache in S2; it's like somebody had bewitched me to die and she lifted the curse. There was a sister who studied with the HSC (Higher School Certificate) boys; she left the school by evening though. Another served as a student teacher and called a tooth "a teeth" during a Biology lesson; we laughed...

One of the male teachers always wore a Kaunda suit; he had a huge collection. Another was called "Inspector"; as the Deputy Headmaster, he usually probed on indisciplined students...

I was whipped for allegedly copying my neighbour in a Mathematics test and a threat was made to expel both of us yet he probably copied me or we wrote the same answer from our classwork books...

Nabinoonya Beach on Lake Victoria's shore hosted bullroasting for champion houses and spiritual retreats for all classes. It's where I spotted a Catholic Bible with the 2nd Commandment (Do not bow down to idols) removed...

During S4, most of the movies shown on Fridays I had already watched at home during the holidays simply because the Entertainment Prefect picked them from the same video library in Bukoto I went to. That freed me to attend prayers with bornagains behind the Memorial Library (in a lush-green lawn field called California)...

Some weekends, I'd pray alone infront of the Physics Lab, behind the Agriculture Lab or at the site for the proposed swimming pool. One morning, I smelt the presence of a goat and told one of my fellowship brothers. He told another brother named Raymond who fasted and saw a vision of me being pushed from behind by an ancestral dragon. Suddenly, JESUS appeared and the dragon flew away, then He hugged me. Some nights later, the fellowship cast a spirit of "pretended holiness" out of me...

After End of Term exams, I always wished the feeling would remain the same forever coz we had a full week for lounging. The Block Owners (BO) Liga was a great arrangement where yearmates traded players like European clubs...

SMACK 100 during 2006 was a great reunion where I met so many OBs and people I didn't even know before. Others had sons at SMACK like my campus lecturer Okoku Obomba and it was fun to see him there. While lining up for lunch, I stood behind WBS TV's livewire Emily Kikazi and was awestricken but refused to let her know that I like her. Couldn't believe how short she was in height compared to me...

There was a lot that happened in my four years instead of six at the Best Secondary School in Africa, but I'll leave the rest for others to tell.

THE END

Plants Every Day Keep Diseases Away

(Below is a List of MEDICINAL PLANTS [Non English names in Lugbara] given to me by my Dad. If you find any prescription helpful, better use it and enjoy your life because sometimes, we ignore the usefulness of certain plants around us yet they might just be the bridge between ourselves and good health. If you cannot afford expensive supplements like from GNLD, try one of these natural products from GOD, and join the President’s Team)

1. Onion (Fungal Infection)
2. Garlic – Basalasumu (Scabies)
3. Aloe Vera (Closed abscess, Swelling on skin)
4. Pineapple (Herpes)
5. Peanuts – Funo (Insecticide)
6. Neem (Haemorrhoids, piles)
7. Cabbage (Wounds)
8. Pigeon peas – Burusu (Venomous Stings)
9. Chillies (Cough)
10. Paw Paw (Bacillary Dysentery)
11. Cassia (Fever)
12. Lemon (Sore Throat)
13. Orange (Intestinal Worms)
14. Coffee (Amoebiasis)
15. Colanut (Malaria)
16. Gourd (Asthma)
17. Tumeric – Binzari (Bronchitis)
18. Lemon Grass – Kurikuchai (Otitis, to do with ears)
19. Stranomium weed – Scratcher fruited (Consti[ation)
20. Euchalyptus (Diarrhoea)
21. Sunflower (Dizziness)
22. African Malve – Purple plant (Diabetes)
23. Sweet Potato (conjunctivitis, red eyes)
24. Mango (Prostatitis, to do with Sperm Production)
25. Melia – lira (Gastritis, burning stomach pain)
26. Moringa (Sprain)
27. Mulberry (Rheumatism)
28. Tobacco (Lactation problem)
29. Rice (Sedation)
30. Avocado (Irregular Menstruation)
31. Guava (Hypertension)
32. HIguereta – Olu (Sterility)
33. Sesame – Anu (Labour Pains)
34. Tamarind – Iti (Loss of Appetite)
35. Vinca Rose – Roselike Flower (Cancers)
36. Maize (AIDS Support)
37. Ginger – Tangauzi (Anti-erosive hedges)
38. Asthmaweed (Flatulence, gas in stomach)
39. D-Haronga (Indigestion)

“From my experience, European medicine can’t cure diseases such as High Blood Pressure, Sugar, Asthma, Ulcers, inherited Syphilis, and other diseases, but herbs work.” – Father ANATOLI WASSWA didn’t train in medical school but set up a clinic in Kibuye, Kampala.

The Best Website in Uganda

Allow me to introduce “the Best Website in Uganda”, at least according to AikoGraphics. I actually saw it in 2007 before it was published on the internet because it was designed by a former schoolmate of mine (at Makerere College School 2001-2) while he worked for Ses Jolies Pieces (a Multimedia company 2 floors above Kenjoy supermarket in Bukoto). Simon Wamahe was not so hysterical or vocal at Macos but seemed to have an intelligent aura around him. He focused on his Science subject combination without showing off but deep inside him was brewing a shining creative genius. At Kyambogo University 2003-6, he studied alongside other Information Technology mavericks namely Joseph Mutuugu (my SMACK Old Boy who now runs his own internet café) and Kasasa (also from Macos and working on big I.T projects in the city). Check out www.ntvuganda.co.ug and tell me what you think. It is too good to be Ugandan, someone may say but Simon says, “All you need is creativity…” Now with his new personal company in Nakulabye called “Creations Ltd” (I actually recommended that he plays with the name Kr8tions Ltd), Uganda should brace itself for High Definition stuff like the Fox Network’s website. Before this, there was a website you couldn’t believe, probably made to book the URL but nonetheless it did not have a bad home page. Its replacement though is several light years ahead.

Gaddafi’s Remarks in Uganda

During the Afro-Arab conference in Kampala, Uganda (March 2008), my Muslim brother Muammar Gaddafi, the great African leader from Libya had the boldness and controversial audacity to claim that the Bible is a hoax. Come to think of it, Christians say that the Quran is a rip-off from the Bible, so doesn’t that mean that the score of this eye-opening debate is tied at 2-2 after extra time for neutrals? We will henceforth go for the penultimate stage: the penalty shootout in my own words, so to say, because GOD will have the final word on Judgement day.
I grew up in an Anglican Christian family and went through most of the sacraments of faith so I will not distance myself from the Bible promoters. It’s the Bible that introduced me to the wonderful idea of fearing GOD but I felt far from him nonetheless. Even accepting Jesus into my rotten heart changed things for a while but I started slipping back to the past. Sin is a daily temptation. As a saved individual I always remembered that. However, there was no way the Bible could control my weaknesses yet its primary message is that our sins are forgiven through the cross. Someone may manipulate this privilege and crucify the Christ several times. The struggle can also be felt by those converting from Islam to Christianity. We all seek forgiveness and righteousness, not just salvation. Jesus actually warned that, “Not all who call me ‘Lord, Lord’ will enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”
Meanwhile, I reasoned that since Islam is very strict on following GOD’s law, it would be wise to borrow the good teachings that help you do away with this tendency. Isn’t the Holy Spirit supposed to help us in this fight? Why do Muslims say that Jesus preached about the coming of Prophet Muhammad as the helper of the brethren but bible compilers blotted out that story? Couldn’t that have been the basis of Gaddafi’s remarks?
To some extent, I know that the bible was tampered with though I believe it is inspired scripture also. I became a Muslim on Sunday 1 September 2002 in the presence of my initiator, a staunch Pakistani believer, and a Ugandan Catholic who did not believe my decision simply because I was tired of living a hypocritical life of “sinning no more” as the Good Book proclaims. I had accepted Christ into my heart on Tuesday 2 December 1997 but sin was still in my veins. Jesus is Lord, every sheik and imam should believe that, but it takes your effort plus the work of GOD’s spirit to make you a new creature. Whether the Bible is a hoax or not must be determined by whether GOD will accept you into Heaven for following its teachings or just Christian traditions mixed with a compromising lifestyle.

Fools’ Paradise

April 1st, is like a birthday to me because sometimes I consider myself a fool for failing to achieve certain things in the time GOD has granted me on earth. Fools imagine that they can live long. Luckily I’m still alive, thank GOD! We are all the same people, right? So why can’t I do what you do? Why is success hard to come by at an early age? Easy, ask Aaliyah, Fabregas and other young stars…During the midnight hour on Fool's Day, I was watchin’ The Last Days of Lisa Lopes (TLC’s Left Eye) on MTV Base and was really hit by her down-to-earth soulfulness depicted in her final documentary where she was holidaying in Honduras, “Everyone [including supernova-like human stars] has their problems.” It’s amazing how she could sense that the Spirit of Death was chasing her…but she chose to move forward. That’s what probably killed her though it was also a very great attitude. I’m not saying that her unexpected accident was totally avoidable if she had listened to me but that we all have premonitions; paying keen attention to them can save your life.

I almost died twice on campus (2003-6). Focusing my attention to eluding death somehow saved me. I took time out to stop doing what I wanted and rested under GOD’s wings. We cannot keep moving forward all the time, we need to stop at the traffic lights and stop signs. As the saying goes, too much of anything can be bad…think twice, we need to bow down and ask the Creator for direction.

“Tonight rich man, your soul will be called up for Judgement.” According to one hadith in Islam, everybody’s life on earth is numbered between their eyes. Adam had 1000 but because he wanted his descendant David to live longer than 40 years, Adam’s death was brought forward by about 30 years. If you knew how long you would live like Idi Amin Dada, you would probably try to act reckless but GOD hides those truths from us. So live your life like a wise coward who ironically doesn’t fear death but doesn’t want to die young either, because some malicious angel is watching…