I prayed to the devil…GOD, forgive me!

One Thing I abhor in Life are People who think their Possessions, Privileges or Abilities (Whatever) give them a Right like "Bakopi" to despise others. Remind them that Everything comes from GOD as a Gift and can be taken away! Besides, everyone is given at least one. So if you have five, shut up and enjoy them! I'm not like everyone else, am me! I joined Makerere College School in 2001 with 15 points on 8 subjects (9 on 6) as probably the Best SMACK reject (Cut Off Points: 14 on 8 instead of promised 17 after Senior 4 UCE exams) and sat on the second last desk during Senior 5. Behind me was an irritatingly proud though seemingly shy guy who had studied at Macos since his first year in secondary. Did this Musoga (cum Afrikaner) want to bully me as a welcome gesture or was he just naturally patronising? I had seen worse bullies and scary people before at SMACK (including murderers, occultists, vandals plus homosexuals) and so there was no way this guy could intimidate me. Perhaps, he was a few months older than me but he really irked me by repeatedly calling me “fake and boring”. Of course I knew that I could not always be entertaining, absolutely no one is, but at least he should not have been unflinching in trying to crash my Spirit so that I obey his Wishes. Dude even said my legs were like a cassava stem. Personally, I thought he was a 'Borehole' (Compound Term I coined from the words 'Bore' and 'Asshole' though I never spat that out). He actually wrote for me three topics (on a small piece of paper) I had to discuss whenever I talked to him, how rude! I prayed to GOD about this but since nothing seemed to be happening, I decided to do the unthinkable. Ignoring the possible rejection by parents, siblings, relatives and friends, I spoke in his face that I was ‘going to bury’ him. My plan was to break his nose with a hard uppercut left punch and kick him even to death against the corner wall. To ensure this, I even invoked the devil to possess me so that I would not know what I was doing. GOD, forgive me! Thankfully, moments after my wicked prayer, I looked up and saw the heavens open. A voice from the sparkling white opening asked me to forgive if I did not want to miss the "glorious splendor of yonder". On second thought, I walked into the classroom at lunch time straight to this guy, shook his hand and said, “Thank the Holy Spirit that you are still alive!”

I couldn’t commit Suicide; it never crossed my Mind even once. He wasn’t my Coolest Classmate, so I didn’t need his Approval. Besides, all those who were cooler than him never treated me this Way, neither did they become his lieutenants. Those who knew him just advised me to see a Counselor but I wanted to stand up strong for myself. Ignoring the Slurs doesn’t help. Sometimes repeated Abuses can hurt like Curses; you have to shush the Bully's Mouth! Bullying in school is a Community Problem; everyone should be involved to stop it! Who do the Patronisers think they are, don't they value the Mental Health of their Victims? Psychologists recommend that bullied Victims tell their Offenders to stop, loudly, firmly and with a fearless Body Language. Targeted individuals must somehow demonstrate to the would-be bully that one will not allow one's self to be daunted, intimidated, or otherwise "cowed". Bullies don’t understand, they don’t feel a Victim's Pain but Elders and Bystanders should be able to change these Bullies and stick up for Victims. Positive Peer Pressure can change Lives and prevent Suicides or Mass Revenge Murders in Schools. Some Victims can fire back in hellish Ways: Rat Poison in Bread, hot Flat Iron on Skin, etc. Other Case Studies: The 1999 Columbine High School Massacre in the US and 2015 Umpqua Community (Oregon) Shooting singling out Christians. Sometimes I thought it was Mephistopheles talking through this Guy, trying to take my Soul and crown me with Thorns in a Crucible. He sounded like a Spokesperson for the Devil. A Chinese Proverb says that, "Hatred corrodes the Vessel in which it is stored..." Oppression is so harsh, unfair and unjust that it can make you feel imprisoned by despair and lead you to believe you are hopelessly and helplessly worthless. I didn’t kill this Guy because a Voice told me not to, but I almost. About a dozen Years later, I created a fictional Super-shero Character named Kubaku plus Oduo, her male Alter-ego (Best Friend) based on this Experience...

How can someone intimidate you simply because he wants you to talk to him about 1.Computers, 2.Women and 3.Arsenal? Talk is cheap, anyone can afford it! "Dude, Simon says, 'SHUT THE FUCK UP!' Neither do you interest me! I have a Right to remain silent. Let a Brada live his Quiet Life! Besides, Computers are useful to everybody, but without Linux, they suck with their Trojan Horses, Worms and Viruses, am on my Mega-Super-Video-Smartphone Vibe! Only thing worth talking about is Women, but not as Porn Objects, Voyeur! They are lovely, exciting, beautiful and equal; Every Adam has an Eve, every Moses has his own Zipporah, every King has his own Queen, every Groom has his own Bride. I also support Arsenal like you though I've been a Gooner for only three painful years (since Saturday 16th May 1998): Sometimes you lose, other times you draw, the rest of the time you win, it's pre-destined, so excuse that topic or face whatever comes (Arsenal forever)... I'm just trying to hear what GOD is telling my deaf-mute Soul and see how to avoid Hell on Earth plus After Earth."

Prince Charming

Prynce Charming Joel Okuyo who featured with a white cutie named Sonya on East Africa TV’s Friday Night Live (18th April 2008) hosted by Ugandan presenter Ssebbo in Dar-es-Salaam, is a real movie buff. With (much more than) three movies on his portfolio (Two feature length films: ‘Battle of the Souls’about former devil worshipper Roger Mugisha directed by the tall Matt Bish who couldn’t believe I was around 60 kilos in weight; plus ‘From the Ashes of Hatred’, a Nollywood and UgaWood collaboration about a family which did not want their daughter to marry a Muganda; and a TV Documentary ‘Trouble in Paradise’ - about the Bwindi Impenetrable Forest Massacre. Lyhnnq-x acted as a rebel leader; by the time he went to the studio), his career is definitely taking off to the skies of international film. Having stayed with him during first year, first semester at Uganda Christian University’s affiliate hostel Bishop Kamanyire (since September 2003), I know how entertaining he naturally is. He was among my first real friends at UCU besides my Kenyan (Kikuyu-Luo) roommate Sidney Okumu (I left Kamanyire Hostel for St Michael Royale Hostel in Bugujju Village after May 2004). As tribemates, it was really easy to connect because of our ancestry but the love for music, almost similar taste for women and fantastic exploration of ideas strengthened our friendship. Some people say he talks too much but that is what makes people more interesting especially when they do it to thrill. Maybe one day he will be crowned the “King of Ugandan Cinema”.

AFTERMATH:
JOEL has won numerous international accolades in film including: Four time international award winning actor (2008), Best Supporting Actor (Balafon Film Festival, Italy 2009), Best Actor in Supporting Role Africa Movie Academy Awards, Nigeria 2010), Best performance by an Actor/actress (Uhuru Film Festival, Ubuntu Village, Colorado, USA), Best Actor (ZIFF) 2011.

Survival Football

Every civilization has found a way to pass time; At St. Mary’s College Kisubi (1997-2000), my classmates invented another. Arguably My Hottest Sport during school, ‘Survival Football’ (also known as “Bonna Bazanye” – Let everyone play) had no major guidelines. There were simply two teams - the West Side near SMACK Road and the East End. Changing sides and walking in or out of the game was allowed during the fast-paced match. As if that was not funny enough, one side was allowed to have as few as 13 players while the other over 22. Some final scores were as outrageous as 9 - 11. Everyone was a referee but the south side of the pitch had no throw-in line. If the ball crossed to the other two identical fields (where other classes were playing), it was the duty of some of the players to just chase it and kick it back. The Northern touchline near the teachers’ garden did not require neat restarts, one handed throw-ins were allowed. Otherwise the only exceptional rules were corner kicks, handballs plus maybe off-sides which were sometimes violated. Up to today, I still cannot understand how Ivan Mutebi (nicknamed Mutex) scored a hat-trick with only three touches, from neither penalties nor free kicks. His once-in-a-lifetime success was so unbelievable that no ‘survivor’ ever achieved it again.
‘Survival Football’ somehow bound our three streams with chords that could not be broken. While fundraising in 1999 for an unprecedented class jersey, students willingly contributed the minimum amount requested from each individual. We also rallied feverishly behind our boys‘The Block Owners’: Machuki, Lugemwa, Kitaka (3A); Haule [Steady Defender], Kiyinji [An amazing talent], Jacques (Not real name) (3B); Ddungu [My Personal Favourite, a true striking daredevil], Atuhura (3C); just to mention a few, who beat strong opposition including their seniors on their way to the finals of the Headmaster’s Cup which they lost unfairly to HSC (Higher School Certificate). A number of our classmates were regulars in the SMACK team and it was the first time Senior 3s almost won the annual inter-class tournament.
My childhood ambition (around 1992) was to become a soccer professional like the recently retired Brazilian ace Romario. However, due to injury worries and the nagging pressure to succeed in academics, I moderated my involvement in sport. Nevertheless at SMACK, ‘Survival Football’ loosened my inhibitions. I modeled my game for the West Side on Patrick Vieira’s majestic role for the Gunners and only managed a couple of goals in my final two years at SMACK. I had just fallen for Arsenal’s traditional ‘Retreating Defence’ technique in 1998 and therefore wanted to play like my heart. Overall, Communal Soccer at SMACK was so enticing that it brought together non-soccer fans, school team regulars, European Football enthusiasts and those not so talented but knew how to have fun. It was just a time to kick the ball around, show off any tricks you could summon and let off steam.


(Article published in Sunday Monitor [School Times] 11th May 2008, Page 20)

Here is the sequel to that “ballistic story”, Part 2 as Jimmo (Ocuku) called it… Nkosa was a solid player at the back; Tinyiro deputized as Ashley Cole, was a regular for West Side like me in the tough games and had the La Liga trophy (Block Owners League Cup) to show for his efforts (I was actually on the losing side, beaten 4-2 [We equalized twice only] while playing against his team that had the marauding Bushy (Katongole) as captain - It was a really Bad Mistake that I forgot to include him in the main article next to Ddungu - and Zagallo (Self appointed father of the league and coach). The following year I was bought by Zagallo’s team which included Kalinabiri old boy and maestro Lazarus Wazarahi but our games were stopped by the administration. We had become too ingenious for their own liking because the games involved money and trading players); Jimmo had fantastic ball control and other skills like angling the post and bar for a goal - unstoppable; Ogwal would not feature for long periods but always enjoyed the games; (Gerald) Okol was the genius who should have featured in the class team alongside his namesake also in the same stream C; Acanakwo said Part One of the article was a true representation of what happened and recommended that in future I ought to write about the “Idlers Arc” – Amazingly, he once knocked me down during the Block Owners League Cup; Yawe was like a Ghost on the brink of scoring every time we kicked the ball near Zone 14 in front of the goal area; Beehamya left SMACK early but even at Macos he displayed fantastic individual talent; Nabeta had the vigour of a charging goat; Mutuugu was short but lethal in halting air balls; Louis used his Basketball height and holding skills in goal like a pro - one day, my side tried hard to score past him, I also tried to chip him delicately, the ball went over his stretched arm, dipped but just hit the crossbar and returned to the goal area; every Block Owner has his own perspective...

[To be continued]

Block Owners (2024 Book)

I was admitted Number 31 by SMACK on Monday 3rd June 1997; Senior 1A was my designated class on the eastside of the campus. Older students carried my belongings to the dorm after dad dropped me in Mpigi. I wasn't bullied coz the mature Senior 6s protected us. However, after they left months later, we helplessly became prey and had to look out for each other against older SMACKists. That is where the unbreakable Block Owners solidarity was birthed...

In S1 after reading the World Book Encyclopedia, I wanted to become a firefighter. My dream careers during Primary School were footballer like Romario, trucker so that I could meet many women on the road or doctor because of several class friends with the same plan. On leaving SMACK, I turned to self-taught Art...

After one year at SMACK, I turned over a new leaf and stopped being irritable (easily agitated); felt like it might bring me angina (heart disease)...

On the eve of Independence Day 1997, the guy sitted next to me borrowed my English Dictionary. His desk had no padlock unlike mine, so he was robbed along with many other students that night. In the morning, everyone in the school was ordered to put their books on the ground outside each classroom so that those with complaints can search. I didn't see my dictionary but later found it on display for sale at Nasser Road in Kampala, several kilometers north. I just looked at it and laughed, then walked away coz I felt noone would believe me. In fact, I might have been beaten unless I alerted Police first...

Flu tormented me at SMACK every year but was happy to stay alive (I would sniff crushed eucalyptus leaves in my hands and eat green pep sweets for relief); Kerere with handkerchief all the time and Kakembo had permanent sinuses but probably healed later in life...

I didn't hate anyone at SMACK; I would get angry but never allowed my fury to grow into toxic negativity. Although we had beef with S4s during S2, I still forgave the guy who attacked me on behalf of his blackboard-mocked classmate one night after Night Prep. We were about five or six guys in class and the elders were three; I stood up and faced off with him until he relented...

Another guy in S4 ordered me to get sugar and soap for him; I lied that I didn't have. He then told me to ask my dormmates. So I walked back to my section, told the guys I was in a situation, walked back and lied again that my yearmates also do not have. He directed me to pick a hanger on the clothing line so that he can smack my cheeks, but I just grinned and walked out of the quadrangle without worrying that he would run out of his dorm and attack me from behind...

I spent Senior 1 singing in the chapel choir's alto voice with many dedicated rehearsals when Night Prep ended plus learnt musical notations, but after that I quit without apologies because I didn't want to pray to dead saints or Mary even though I respect her highly. Nevertheless, I did not leave the Wildlife (Planted a tree behind Kakooza House dormitories) nor German Club (We watched extra movies from the common Friday nightshows)...

Nicholas Mwanja was a gifted pianoman; never met anyone better after him...

My first headmaster at SMACK left the Brotherhood of Christian Instruction and later got married, halleluJAH! He was a tough guy but very protective of us from bullies and I never got in his bad books, so I missed him a bit when he was replaced. The 2nd headmaster was not bad but some students didn't fancy him much. He was said to be fond of one of the teachers; love is not a bad thing. He flogged me in Senior 4 for delaying in the quadrangle during Morning Prep (5:30 to 6:45am); two stickmarks remained on my cold bums for some time. Our class representatives asked the administration to allow us forfeit Morning Prep coz some people revised through Winter [Period after Night Prep which ends at 10pm until 5:30am wakeup bell]...

I had a bedwetting problem and since my mattress placed outside did not dry up in time sometimes due to water thrown on it while people bathed or if it fell in runoff water, I'd sleep on a blanket placed on my springbed. One Saturday in S2, a yearmate who was rumoured to be a homo (won't mention his name but he was expelled in our S4 while he peeped at a Senior 1 in the latrine) came to tell me that I can share his bed with him. He tried to grab my willy but I chased him away. That same year, about 20 students two years ahead were expelled for homosexuality. I've never had any desire to be gay though I have met suspected homos since Primary School in Jinja, during A-Level at Macos plus campus...

Storm nights proved to me the destructive power of heavy rain on a lake or sea; glasses would break. One day, hailstones covered the grass like snow...

Saturday morning cleaning was fun and many times, my Lourdel House won the contest. I was happy that my yearmate Ivan Earl Agaba's mother was in charge of our cluster; she handled us kindly like a good mama (not overbearingly harsh)...

Every Evening Prep from 6:30 to 7:15pm except weekends, one of the classes spent a corresponding day in the chapel eg Senior 1s on Monday up to Senior 5s and 6s on Friday. Sunday Mass at 9am was compulsory for all...

There were three shifts for meals: S1 and 6 first, 2 and 4 next (where we were clobbered at the exits during load shedding nights) plus 3 and 5 last...

Obsessions Music and Dance group came to perform but I didn't attend their show... I enjoyed Coca-Cola promos more; even won prizes... One of the new foreign Uganda Cranes coaches (probably German) jetted into the country and the first game he watched was at our pitch...

Playing basketball with the towering Shaq-like Wilbrod Oketcho was frightening; he would slam in our faces and made me quit. I last saw him at Sheraton Hotel Kampala. Hardluck that he was gunned down by thugs but the game runs in the family's blood; his cousin Flavia became arguably Uganda's greatest basketballer...

One Visitation Day, I walked to the main pitch and found Mr. John Katuramu with his daughters (my yearmate Job's sisters); they looked really beautiful as they played and jumped around. That's when I accepted that Princess Bagaya's Toro Kingdom is indeed blessed too (like Bateso, Ethiopians and Banyarwanda Cushites); it was before JK was arrested for the murder of King Oyo's father...

S3 was for being Timekeeper to honour a random request from my streammonitor Semaks though after being Headboy in P7, I had made a private vow never to become a prefect again. I was the last on the Prefects List and never policed anyone; all I did was ring the bell like a diligent slave and unpaid servant: I did it for GOD and my schoolmates...

I had to take my old red macintosh mat to school for my final two years at SMACK and end the shame of taking my mattress out to dry after bedwetting because the distance had increased. I'd pray to GOD to help me stop but instead wake up in a bigger pool of liquid. Why me, LORD? Mum told me not to drink a lot before nighttime plus wake up in the night to ease myself. That's where my 2am moments originated from but by 5am, I'd still wet my bed (shaking my head)...

After his S4 UCE German exam, one brownskinned dude in my Lourdel dorm kindly left me with his small black German Dictionary. The gesture was so sacrificial that after I finished mine the following year, I also left the same dictionary with my 2nd cousin two years behind me...

Some Champions League and Euro nights were really amazing; classmates betted with money (about 200 UGX) and the ones with the correct score recorded on the front blackboard shared the collected jackpot. For me, I only reported the news and drew goal graphics on the east blackboard. Nyanzi used the west blackboard... 

Brother Martin once amused us during the daily Morning Assembly (7:30 to 8am) when after Real Madrid won 2-3 at Old Trafford the preceding night, he said he "was there" and warned us to be careful about our future. I wondered how fast he flew from UK to Entebbe; anyway, we were also there via TV waves...

Simon Kasyate would read news for us infront of the assembly; when he eventually became a journalist despite studying Law at campus, I wasn't surprised. I enjoyed his Capital FM Desert Island Discs tenure...

SMACK jabber was a great and very lively dance; yearmate Mali had great moves...

I did not attend the S4 social but actively helped prepare the main hall for my classmates and their Saturday female visitors. Shamelessly, I sat in the dining hall alone to take breakfast; didn't care what other schoolmates would gossip while my classmates had fun because I had like 18 reasons why. I also drew a chart hanged on the rafts of the chapel roof for our farewell mass...

One night, a schoolmate who used to steal people's property and sell was chased through the school campus. The commotion was just hilarious coz we thought it was an outsider only to learn that it was a SMACKist...

Women of SMACK: There was a teacher who was very darkskinned but yearmates satirically nicknamed her "Snow White"; her English accent was also quite foreign. Another was called "Dairy" due to her big bust. Our Geography teacher was really tall while her colleague who taught the other two streams once showed up to dictate notes to us in a very provocatively pleasant attire while our own was absent. The Literature teacher was nicknamed Muthoni like a character in one of the books she taught us and married a soldier at our school chapel; I think I sang in the choir at her wedding. Mrs. Katimbo (aka Nabisene, wife to my namesake Edward) was the one who taught me English longest in my entire school time (4 years); my favourite lesson was Summarisation in S4. One of the secretaries was a stunner; librarian too. The canteen ladies were kind; wish I had memorised the name of the taller one. I'll never forget the nurse (Musimenta's mum) who gave me orange Magnesium tablets while I experienced a nefarious stomachache in S2; it's like somebody had bewitched me to die and she lifted the curse. There was a sister who studied with the HSC (Higher School Certificate) boys; she left the school by evening though. Another served as a student teacher and called a tooth "a teeth" during a Biology lesson; we laughed...

One of the male teachers always wore a Kaunda suit; he had a huge collection. Another was called "Inspector"; as the Deputy Headmaster, he usually probed on indisciplined students...

I was whipped for allegedly copying my neighbour in a Mathematics test and a threat was made to expel both of us yet he probably copied me or we wrote the same answer from our classwork books...

Nabinoonya Beach on Lake Victoria's shore hosted bullroasting for champion houses and spiritual retreats for all classes. It's where I spotted a Catholic Bible with the 2nd Commandment (Do not bow down to idols) removed...

During S4, most of the movies shown on Fridays I had already watched at home during the holidays simply because the Entertainment Prefect picked them from the same video library in Bukoto I went to. That freed me to attend prayers with bornagains behind the Memorial Library (in a lush-green lawn field called California)...

Some weekends, I'd pray alone infront of the Physics Lab, behind the Agriculture Lab or at the site for the proposed swimming pool. One morning, I smelt the presence of a goat and told one of my fellowship brothers. He told another brother named Raymond who fasted and saw a vision of me being pushed from behind by an ancestral dragon. Suddenly, JESUS appeared and the dragon flew away, then He hugged me. Some nights later, the fellowship cast a spirit of "pretended holiness" out of me...

After End of Term exams, I always wished the feeling would remain the same forever coz we had a full week for lounging. The Block Owners (BO) Liga was a great arrangement where yearmates traded players like European clubs...

SMACK 100 during 2006 was a great reunion where I met so many OBs and people I didn't even know before. Others had sons at SMACK like my campus lecturer Okoku Obomba and it was fun to see him there. While lining up for lunch, I stood behind WBS TV's livewire Emily Kikazi and was awestricken but refused to let her know that I like her. Couldn't believe how short she was in height compared to me...

There was a lot that happened in my four years instead of six at the Best Secondary School in Africa, but I'll leave the rest for others to tell.

THE END

Plants Every Day Keep Diseases Away

(Below is a List of MEDICINAL PLANTS [Non English names in Lugbara] given to me by my Dad. If you find any prescription helpful, better use it and enjoy your life because sometimes, we ignore the usefulness of certain plants around us yet they might just be the bridge between ourselves and good health. If you cannot afford expensive supplements like from GNLD, try one of these natural products from GOD, and join the President’s Team)

1. Onion (Fungal Infection)
2. Garlic – Basalasumu (Scabies)
3. Aloe Vera (Closed abscess, Swelling on skin)
4. Pineapple (Herpes)
5. Peanuts – Funo (Insecticide)
6. Neem (Haemorrhoids, piles)
7. Cabbage (Wounds)
8. Pigeon peas – Burusu (Venomous Stings)
9. Chillies (Cough)
10. Paw Paw (Bacillary Dysentery)
11. Cassia (Fever)
12. Lemon (Sore Throat)
13. Orange (Intestinal Worms)
14. Coffee (Amoebiasis)
15. Colanut (Malaria)
16. Gourd (Asthma)
17. Tumeric – Binzari (Bronchitis)
18. Lemon Grass – Kurikuchai (Otitis, to do with ears)
19. Stranomium weed – Scratcher fruited (Consti[ation)
20. Euchalyptus (Diarrhoea)
21. Sunflower (Dizziness)
22. African Malve – Purple plant (Diabetes)
23. Sweet Potato (conjunctivitis, red eyes)
24. Mango (Prostatitis, to do with Sperm Production)
25. Melia – lira (Gastritis, burning stomach pain)
26. Moringa (Sprain)
27. Mulberry (Rheumatism)
28. Tobacco (Lactation problem)
29. Rice (Sedation)
30. Avocado (Irregular Menstruation)
31. Guava (Hypertension)
32. HIguereta – Olu (Sterility)
33. Sesame – Anu (Labour Pains)
34. Tamarind – Iti (Loss of Appetite)
35. Vinca Rose – Roselike Flower (Cancers)
36. Maize (AIDS Support)
37. Ginger – Tangauzi (Anti-erosive hedges)
38. Asthmaweed (Flatulence, gas in stomach)
39. D-Haronga (Indigestion)

“From my experience, European medicine can’t cure diseases such as High Blood Pressure, Sugar, Asthma, Ulcers, inherited Syphilis, and other diseases, but herbs work.” – Father ANATOLI WASSWA didn’t train in medical school but set up a clinic in Kibuye, Kampala.

The Best Website in Uganda

Allow me to introduce “the Best Website in Uganda”, at least according to AikoGraphics. I actually saw it in 2007 before it was published on the internet because it was designed by a former schoolmate of mine (at Makerere College School 2001-2) while he worked for Ses Jolies Pieces (a Multimedia company 2 floors above Kenjoy supermarket in Bukoto). Simon Wamahe was not so hysterical or vocal at Macos but seemed to have an intelligent aura around him. He focused on his Science subject combination without showing off but deep inside him was brewing a shining creative genius. At Kyambogo University 2003-6, he studied alongside other Information Technology mavericks namely Joseph Mutuugu (my SMACK Old Boy who now runs his own internet café) and Kasasa (also from Macos and working on big I.T projects in the city). Check out www.ntvuganda.co.ug and tell me what you think. It is too good to be Ugandan, someone may say but Simon says, “All you need is creativity…” Now with his new personal company in Nakulabye called “Creations Ltd” (I actually recommended that he plays with the name Kr8tions Ltd), Uganda should brace itself for High Definition stuff like the Fox Network’s website. Before this, there was a website you couldn’t believe, probably made to book the URL but nonetheless it did not have a bad home page. Its replacement though is several light years ahead.

Gaddafi’s Remarks in Uganda

During the Afro-Arab conference in Kampala, Uganda (March 2008), my Muslim brother Muammar Gaddafi, the great African leader from Libya had the boldness and controversial audacity to claim that the Bible is a hoax. Come to think of it, Christians say that the Quran is a rip-off from the Bible, so doesn’t that mean that the score of this eye-opening debate is tied at 2-2 after extra time for neutrals? We will henceforth go for the penultimate stage: the penalty shootout in my own words, so to say, because GOD will have the final word on Judgement day.
I grew up in an Anglican Christian family and went through most of the sacraments of faith so I will not distance myself from the Bible promoters. It’s the Bible that introduced me to the wonderful idea of fearing GOD but I felt far from him nonetheless. Even accepting Jesus into my rotten heart changed things for a while but I started slipping back to the past. Sin is a daily temptation. As a saved individual I always remembered that. However, there was no way the Bible could control my weaknesses yet its primary message is that our sins are forgiven through the cross. Someone may manipulate this privilege and crucify the Christ several times. The struggle can also be felt by those converting from Islam to Christianity. We all seek forgiveness and righteousness, not just salvation. Jesus actually warned that, “Not all who call me ‘Lord, Lord’ will enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”
Meanwhile, I reasoned that since Islam is very strict on following GOD’s law, it would be wise to borrow the good teachings that help you do away with this tendency. Isn’t the Holy Spirit supposed to help us in this fight? Why do Muslims say that Jesus preached about the coming of Prophet Muhammad as the helper of the brethren but bible compilers blotted out that story? Couldn’t that have been the basis of Gaddafi’s remarks?
To some extent, I know that the bible was tampered with though I believe it is inspired scripture also. I became a Muslim on Sunday 1 September 2002 in the presence of my initiator, a staunch Pakistani believer, and a Ugandan Catholic who did not believe my decision simply because I was tired of living a hypocritical life of “sinning no more” as the Good Book proclaims. I had accepted Christ into my heart on Tuesday 2 December 1997 but sin was still in my veins. Jesus is Lord, every sheik and imam should believe that, but it takes your effort plus the work of GOD’s spirit to make you a new creature. Whether the Bible is a hoax or not must be determined by whether GOD will accept you into Heaven for following its teachings or just Christian traditions mixed with a compromising lifestyle.

Fools’ Paradise

April 1st, is like a birthday to me because sometimes I consider myself a fool for failing to achieve certain things in the time GOD has granted me on earth. Fools imagine that they can live long. Luckily I’m still alive, thank GOD! We are all the same people, right? So why can’t I do what you do? Why is success hard to come by at an early age? Easy, ask Aaliyah, Fabregas and other young stars…During the midnight hour on Fool's Day, I was watchin’ The Last Days of Lisa Lopes (TLC’s Left Eye) on MTV Base and was really hit by her down-to-earth soulfulness depicted in her final documentary where she was holidaying in Honduras, “Everyone [including supernova-like human stars] has their problems.” It’s amazing how she could sense that the Spirit of Death was chasing her…but she chose to move forward. That’s what probably killed her though it was also a very great attitude. I’m not saying that her unexpected accident was totally avoidable if she had listened to me but that we all have premonitions; paying keen attention to them can save your life.

I almost died twice on campus (2003-6). Focusing my attention to eluding death somehow saved me. I took time out to stop doing what I wanted and rested under GOD’s wings. We cannot keep moving forward all the time, we need to stop at the traffic lights and stop signs. As the saying goes, too much of anything can be bad…think twice, we need to bow down and ask the Creator for direction.

“Tonight rich man, your soul will be called up for Judgement.” According to one hadith in Islam, everybody’s life on earth is numbered between their eyes. Adam had 1000 but because he wanted his descendant David to live longer than 40 years, Adam’s death was brought forward by about 30 years. If you knew how long you would live like Idi Amin Dada, you would probably try to act reckless but GOD hides those truths from us. So live your life like a wise coward who ironically doesn’t fear death but doesn’t want to die young either, because some malicious angel is watching…

Tithing should be from the heart

(Letter published in Sunday Vision)

Thanks for the undercover double-series investigating whether born again pastors are fleecing God’s children. Malachi 3: 10 commands us to tithe or else heaven curses us as church robbers but where we tithe is the question. Muslims pay ‘zakat’ to beggars or in the mosque. Hindus and Bahai’is do something similar. Dr. Creflo Dollar mentioned tithing as a fundamental principle for getting rich when he came to Namboole. Every offering I made without being coerced while at a Catholic school in the late 90s came back to me tenfold within one week. My classmates who begged me to take their tithes to the school chapel returned after a few days to report incredible blessings.
Unfortunately during this decade, tithing in mushrooming born again churches produces mixed results. People begin to get weird dreams of creatures robbing or biting them. Is it because they lack enough faith to ‘sow big seeds’ or the pastors are just quack prophets? Does something block rewards along the way? The Bible warns that in the last days, there will be many, not few but many, false teachers. American Pastor John Hagee on LTV always preaches that “manipulating people to get what you want is witchcraft.”
One day I called a pastor’s hotline and the secretary who talked to me said that if I wanted to see the man of God alone in his office, I should come with 50,000 Shillings. Did Jesus ask for denariis or shekels to help burdened souls? Why are tithes from 10,000 and above blessed first during lunch-hour fellowships? Is God’s storehouse a witchcraft shrine or a place where people can honour God with all they have left, even if it’s just peanuts? Tithing should be from the heart not the pocket.




Edward Aikobua
Kampala

Arua Boys

OPEC is the acronym for an Arab Conglomerate (Consensus/Cartel) meaning Organisation of Petroleum Exporting Countries. The OPEC Boys lived in Arua and during the 1980s smuggled lots of petroleum which earned them lots of money.

With these sacks of money they came as far as Kampala and spent lavishly on booze and women. That’s when people coined the word “Arua Boys” meaning people or guys from Arua who had lots of money.

Most of these guys did not go far with books and were known by many people. Nowadays they don’t make that much money.

The Wrong Train to Heaven

SATURDAY 11th OCTOBER 2003, exactly twenty days before Hell-oween but today, it is like the horrifying holiday is brought forward. On the very last seat of a Uganda Railways Engine No.9 Extraterrestrial Train Express from Kasese to Mombasa sits three teenagers. The boys are supposedly travelling to an exquisite beach on the East African Coast called "Heaven on Earth". In the middle of the journey, they hear something moving towards the back from the front train carriages. (Adro) Onzi, a Predator Spirit (the god of Death) is mercilessly devouring the souls of passengers and sucking out their blood. The dude near the corridor tells his other two friends to put their heads down as the spirit gets closer. They pray silently until the massacre ends. All the passengers on board are killed except the three boys. They would live to narrate their gruesome experience to the rest of the world. When they raise their heads, they cannot believe their eyes. How have they been spared? 19 year old Ishmael whispers, “What was that?" "We better get out of here before it comes for us also!” Deno, his Classmate advises. “But how?” The frightened trio desperately want to escape from their carriage. So Eli, the Rastafarian, breaks the partly broken emergency exit window using a dead man's walking stick. The boys climb to the top of the train and run like a sandstorm. Reaching a bridge across the Nile River in Jinja at dusk, the lucky survivors jump down in fantastic unison and plunge into the moonlit water. Beautiful ripples of freedom form in the water as the doom train disappears from their view into a tunnel. "Forgive us our Sins, LORD!"

© 2005 AikoGraphics

Wenger, the Miracle Economist

Just because of the Worst Start in seven seasons, many Arsenal fans have become disgruntled with Arsene Wenger. But if they look back at those seven years more critically, they may discover that the club has achieved much more than what the original Dial Square/ Woolwich Arsenal might have dreamed of in 1886.

As an Economics graduate from Cambridge University, Wenger has worked many financial miracles, turning low price signings into the World’s Most Expensive Players for example Nicholas Anelka and before that the World’s Best like the first African to win the FIFA Award George Weah. This year (2005), Arsenal made profits but Wenger did not shop for big name players, something which will undo his popularity. Nonetheless, the lessons from the start of this season may alter his principles by the January 2006 transfer window.

Finally, Arsenal fans should acknowledge Wenger’s tact in soliciting for funds to build the new dream stadium one mile away from Highbury. How many managers came before him since 1913 and embarked on a similar project? It’s the Frenchman who has used money wisely to win 4 Charity Shields, 3 Premierships and 4 F.A. Cups including 2 Doubles in 7 years let alone leading Arsenal as far as the Quarterfinals of the UEFA Champions League for the first time (and also to the finals later on that season in 2006). The best is yet to come.

Edward Aikobua,
Mukono

(Published in the Daily Monitor in 2005)

Arua Pioneer Decorators

(Original APD Logo designed by Aiko)

Established in June 2002 by my mum Liz, eldest sister Gladys, Aunties Kevin and Grace plus Beatrice, Jackie and Ayikoru (though the latter quit), this Group of Women has been planning and organizing weddings in West Nile’s capital and surrounding regions including Sudan. If you attended any fizzling wedding in the last half-dozen years while in Arua, it might have been their work of wonder. To make weddings memorable, they always invite their clients to choose the colours they fancy plus other specific preferences before doing the rest of the work.
Contacts: Box 1085 Arua, West Nile (Uganda) East Africa… Mobile: (0772) 574 989 and (0772) 950 346

Now on organizing the Best Parties in the Whole World, someone once said that:

“You do all the work
And when the night (or day) comes
Everything is organic and natural
Make sure everybody’s having a good time
Sit with a friend and enjoy yourself…”

Life is a Movie!

“Everything you watch in the cinema has happened to someone somewhere or is about to happen,” that’s what Daniel Kyazze, a Campus classmate and movie buff once told me. At first I did not believe him because of movies with paranormal and supernatural occurrences. However, when I sat down and started watching thrillers more critically, I noticed a convincingly magical resemblance to real spiritual life. What happens in that invisible realm may actually be what we see in horrors or psychological dramas that don’t look natural in our physical world. Today, I strongly believe that “Life is a movie, and music is the soundtrack to life…” The music bit is borrowed from a comment by rapper Jay-Z.

The Beauty of Editing

The Beauty of Editing is that you love to see people read flawless material with enjoyment. Have you ever read a book that had so many grammatical errors and spelling mistakes? It must have been a very annoying experience. Come to think of it, there is nothing better than a good book. Words are powerful; they can make you crack with laughter even when you are troubled. Sinners change their lives and gain hope of going to heaven when they hear GOD’s Word. The reason why I did Mass Communication at UCU was not that I was dying to become a celebrated journalist…absolutely not. All I wanted was an easy way out through education, not having to do a retake on campus and things like that. The course was easy on me but the other major reason why I chose it is that words are powerful. I had witnessed their influence in people’s lives before. A paralyzed mother in China got healed instantly when her son read the Gospel of Jesus to her. A girl you fancy can fall in love with you miraculously for example when someone close to her mentions some favourable lies about you or even truth for that matter. Good stories lift up your spirit. No wonder the Book of Proverbs teaches that good news is like cold water on a hot day, very refreshing indeed…

Intravenas

GOD is Within Us...He is closer to you than the blood in your veins...

Jesus once declared, "The Kingdom of GOD is within you." The person who is persistent and continues to explore the depths and heights of his own soul, there is great wealth awaiting him. Dreams are like agusher of oil from our inner depths. Dreams can result into the reawakening of somebody's spiritual life. The wealth within us is locked and wants to be found. It tries to reach our consciousness through the medium of the dream. Learning to work with our dreams however will require from us time, strong hearted committment and study. "Dreams, " said the Red Indian Chief Seattle, "are given men in the solemn hours of the night by the Great Spirit. The soul wanders in darkness unless it receives a guiding light. Man has a lower nature which inclines to ignorance, cruelty and apathy. " Dreaming is essential for health. Energy is a flow, it is not static, it must flow to and from the consciousness to the unconscious. Noone ever won life's great treasures without risking himself in a hero struggle with life's dark and dangerous side.

(Borrowed from "Dreams and Healing: A Succinct and Lively Interpretation of Dreams" by John A. Sanford)

Why Ugandan fans hate Adebayor...

SIR - "Uncle, there's someone at the gate. He says his
name is ... " Unfortunately, he cannot enter Ugandan
hearts. How local fans view Emmanuel Adebayor was well
elaborated by Joseph Kabuleta's column in the January
issue. Allow me to add that it is because the Togolese
star misses simple chances and nets the impossible,
just like against West Ham on New Year's Day. That is
the price a genius pays for overlooking simple chances
fans expect him to execute. Good enough, the Gunners
have never lost when the talisman scored.


Edward Aikobua,
Arua, West Nile
(Published in New Vision's Premiership Magazine)