Money is not everything!

During the 5th annual Amakula Kampala Film Festival in May 2008, Black South African Vincent Moloi made a film about Leonard Johnson, a white homeless drug addict begging on the street in post-Apartheid Johannesburg. Leonard (not real name as Moloi later found out) had an ancestry of famous high class relatives from Europe. However, after ‘uneducated Blacks’ took over in 1994 as he complained, everything went down hill for him. The laid back white said his begging is not while sitted but just above the pavement while standing so he was not doing badly. Sometimes Leonard and his homeless friend would try to sell jewelry. Actually, he had a bed to sleep on and some of the gifts from generous passers-by he would use to pay rent. One day, a young woman who worked in a bank ran up to him and gave him some money because she had just been paid. How uplifting is that? His wise words are, “A man may have everything and still commit suicide…Why? It is because of his way of thinking.” Everybody came into this world to endure pain. If you want to live in it, you have to smile no matter your status. That is one thing I learnt from the meaning of my own Lugbara surname “Ayiko bua”; ‘true joy or happiness can only be found in heaven’…Here it is just “kiwani” (unreal or fake), but it has to be there for us to survive for a moment… That is why some people create their own dreamlands and others enjoy them as paintings or movies which relieve them from depression.

CRACK

While on Campus, two friends really bothered me and made me spend lots of my airtime trying to hook them up with a certain chick called Blessing. She was beautiful and a true fighter even in tight situations. So when she finally came to UCU alongside probably her brother to check on the two boys, they were not in sight for a moment. But when they reappeared around the Bishop Tucker Administration Tower, the main dude walked through the arc as though he did not know me. He was holding a business card in his left hand (given to him by another man he was following). I did not know what to do but asked him why he did not want to talk to Blessing. He retorted that he never had any feelings for her before and would maybe think of seeing her in future. For now, he had an urgent deal to chase with this man who was beautifully clad in elegant men's clothes. I asked his friend who was behind them but the lad seemed indifferent. 

I left them to go their way and walked down to the old gate while consolingly holding Blessing's left arm with my left arm stretching behind her back as she wept. I told her I was sorry for what I had put her through and the airtime she had wasted calling these guys. The shorty had broken down completely but she told me that she had already forgiven me for everything... How love relieves us, my mind was now free. I knew she would have a brighter day some day but not with these boys who had played with her heart and emotions.

Onion Boy

People will hear the systems thump when you roll in life. The O.B. is not just your Old Boy but freakingly your Onion Boy (the O-Boy), a Ladies Man, Family Man and Best Friend. He’s back in the flesh feeling so blessed. He loves thick, cute, fleshy and swollen monocotyledons that can cause a crush and titillate his eyes. He wants to touch, hold and feel them. “I love these bulbs and their onion juice. But never let onions make you visually impaired!” warns your friendly neighbourhood Onion Boy…

Are you a Pimp?
How many women does a man really need? Lidz in the “Southside” video tells Lloyd to “allow only three great women in his life.” (Did he mean mum, sister and girlfriend or just three lovers?) What will he do with all the three? How much time will he need to dedicate to satisfy each one of them? Okay, forget the time. The issue is how you get the three! Do you use Shakespeare’s lines or read volumes of poetry books? I hear poetry turns women on. Hahaha! Hogwash…How many women did the great poets have? Talk about money and almost any daughter of Eve can shake her ‘glorious maximus’ for you. Ask Akon after he performs “Bonanza [Belly Dancer]” in a concert near your town [how they shake it]! Don’t be shy. (Maybe he will come back to Kampala for you, let’s wait and keep on calling.)
Another idea is the wisdom of men. Can fools really face up to the challenge? King Solomon of Israel was truly the Wisest Pimp in human history: 700 wives and 700 concubines must be a Guinness Book of Records Milestone somewhere. Ignore guys who claim to have slept with 432 bitches or more. I am talking about real wives, not bitches. So does that mean, we bachelors looking for only one partner are silly and unwise? Maybe Poetry doesn’t work.
The Quran allows men to marry up to four wives and when you get to heaven (Jana), you will have more female companions (houri) with big beautiful eyes. The Bahai Holy Writings prescribe not more than two.” If you are contented with only one among the maidservants of GOD, both you and she will live in tranquility”. That is also the Christian teaching spread by Saint Paul (in the epistles to Christ’s early church). If you didn’t know, GOD was not happy with Solomon’s 1400 companions; too much lust (according to the Mormon Bible). “I don’t know what you heard about me”. I’m broke…

[Original article written in 2005 (Bracketed words added in 2008)]